Dear dude,

It’s been a while hasn’t it? 3 years, give or take a week. I can’t believe that much time has passed and, at the same time, it feels like forever.

Like the forever since you left us for what you believed would be relief; an escape from your troubles, from your pain, from yourself. And I hope it worked out like you wanted because, if that is the case, maybe it will make it seem worth it.

We have had our difficult times without you. Of course, the early going was torture. J and M and C and R were a wreck. And your sisters? Don’t get me started on how this affected them. That was a long, bad day when we laid you to rest.

Me? When C told me the news, I was leveled like I’d been hit in the stomach by a bowling-ball fired out of a canon.

But, being the good friend, husband, and father I have always tried to be, I got up as soon as I could and went back to work. Rub a little dirt on it and walk it off, I thought. I found comfort in my routines. I liked to think I was setting an example from which others would draw strength. But now I know, I was just running: running as fast and as hard as I could, but getting nowhere.

Another downside to my particular coping technique? I delayed my own processing of the pain. So, over time, as my loved ones were beginning to come up out of their depths of despair, I was just beginning to sink. And sink I did.

It really caught up to me last spring. I was suddenly overwhelmed by a profound sadness unlike anything I’ve ever known before. I reached out to a couple of friends during the darker days, but was careful to not drag anyone back down with me. It helped to get it off my chest, but I still felt terribly sad and depressed. And it’s been lingering around since.

And, no amount of alcohol can wash it away. Self-medication doesn’t work. But you already know that.

For months now I haven’t been able to look at the pictures of you we have around the house. The one I keep on my desk? I’ve had to lay it face down many times. And forget looking at the video of that vacation we all took together back in ’91. No fuckin way I could have gotten through it.

I know you know that, if I could have, I would have done everything in my power to have saved you. You had my love and the love of your family and our friends but it wasn’t enough. There was nothing more that we could have given you. I understand that today. Finally.

So, what now? Now I move on. And so do you.

I’m ready to reflect back on our time together with a fondness rather than dread the memories and the pain they have brought. You must go now so that I may once again think of our friendship with joy in my heart. Grief has stolen the happiness being your friend brought me, and I want it back.

Rest in peace, my dear friend. It was a gas while it lasted.

Ian